its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
