Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
