i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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