i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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