My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
