I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
