Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize