Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
