Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
