I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
