I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
