I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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