Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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