Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
pop tarts are not kleenex
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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