They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize