Swine flu. Run for my life!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
