Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
