I just pynch a tree in the face
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
