yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
