he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
