note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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