you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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