cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the day after is always just damage control
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
