I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
