I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
