i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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