Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i was born a porn star she said
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
