Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
