im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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