you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
