UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
