I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
