There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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