onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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