the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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