He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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