i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
