the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
PANTIES FOUND
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize