I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
