I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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