Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
