handjob tips. give me some.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize