My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
