The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i think my cat just said my name.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
