i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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