I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize