I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
