If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
