i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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