You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
