Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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