And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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