walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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