I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
