Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
