I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
