We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
