Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
