I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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